So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
