I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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