Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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