he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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