i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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