the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
