Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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