god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
