so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
