I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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