I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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