I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
