Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
no you cant smoke seaweed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
