so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
