i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
