bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
