did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
