cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
