Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
