And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
