Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize