ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize