There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
