I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
