I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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