somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
