I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
