Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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