Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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