She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
