Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
