The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
