I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
