If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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