Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
