He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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