Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize