I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
