I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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