he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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