I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
kristin has been a bad kristin
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
