i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
