it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
