i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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