and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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