i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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