your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize