he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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