I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
