She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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