watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
