all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
