Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
