You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
