Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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