dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize