How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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