We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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