You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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