Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
