Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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