do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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