Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
