Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
