theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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