: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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