And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize